a thought

And as I sit in a cozy, pretty café in downtown West Chester, truly one of my favorite places to be, one of my favorite places to think, and to look around for the beauty of the town surrounds me… I think that my moods are really just an internal reaction to my stimuli in the surrounding area. Really nothing more. Or nothing extreme. I’m always me. If I’m surrounded by boring people, in a small suburban town, with my parents and dog, I’m likely to adjust to that lifestyle. And I will be good at it. But the pain and anguish that I feel will be an internal rejection of the principles of that lifestyle – usually the sedentary aspect which is reconcilable to the fact that parents have presumably, and ostensibly, achieved the longings of their lives and now rest upon their laurels either contributing to society, if they have achieved truly what they wanted, or leaching upon it, eternally frustrated at their lack of wherewithal to go out and achieve what they truly wanted. I then generally take a course of action which thinks about the greatest times of my life, of the times when I felt alive, and I look at what I did during those times. I thankfully am a human and have a genetic pre-disposition to scribe my thoughts. So I have scribed my workout plans, what muscle groups I focused on, whether I was doing yoga at the time, whether I was doing 60% basketball and 20% legs and 10% yoga and 10% stretching or if it was strictly lifting weights that week, and I scribe whether I had been reading books, and if so, what kind, and what effect they had on me, and if I was journaling in reaction to them, or what I thought of the author, and whether sleep or action was more important to me, and if I was drawing my thoughts in my journal or simply writing about them, and if so, was it in a punchy format or long-winded sentences, and what was my overall mood, was I trying to be angry when I woke up, thinking that my best attitude comes about when I’m frustrated so I should contrive that reaction in myself. All of these things are possibilities and if I can parallel the dates and understand what I was doing at a moment of high performance, I should attempt to re-create, often to poor results. I often get into it, realize it feels inappropriate for the moment that I’m in – the circumstances just don’t fit – and then I wonder what the heck I could do. Key here is that the assumption underlying is that the circumstance is fixed. When, in reality, that is the variable that should be altered. My tendency is to react to my atmosphere. This is not inherently a bad thing. But, logically, my reaction should not be to take my best actions and to apply them to my current circumstances. It should then be to alter my circumstances, find the right and transferrable aspects of my previous circumstances which aroused in me the ideals of that behavior which I now seek to emulate, and then find a new – albeit progressive – version of that past circumstance. It’s to put yourself in a new position that evokes the details of your being you possess. For seeking to emulate good actions inappropriately upon a foreign circumstance can have the devastating effect of actually minimizing the worth and stripping the luster of the good actions from their appropriate times and reducing them to the value of an inappropriate action. In other words, I run the risk of tainting, of bastardizing, of corrupting that which is good, by being shortsighted to the point of trying to falsely insert them into an incorrect situation. And then all things look bad, and nothing works, and it’s not me inherently that is wrong, but is actually the relationship between me and this set of recurring stimuli that is just not working. Maybe, the logical conclusion here is that my recurring stimuli ARE my mood, and negativity permeating through my life is the result of an incorrect match between my circumstances and me, and the responses evoked by my at-the-moment stasis… And to extend, that if I am unhappy, it may then be wise to first look at the atmosphere in which I’m settled, ask what it evokes of me, and then evaluate whether that may be the root problem. If that is then the case, eradicate the ugly and move onto what is good and will bring about the good I desire in myself.

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